I feel old. I feel as if I’ve lived a thousand lives, and each one of them has consisted of failure and disappointment. I feel like all the things I’m waiting for…all the things I’ve been promised and that I’ve been working towards…are never going to get here. That I am doomed to a life of mediocrity and failure, doomed to forever wait for my ship to come in. I kind of feel like it will never come in. Like my life has already slipped through my fingers and there’s no hope of ever fixing it. Even though I make progress every day - I get one step closer to fixing everything every day - I am overwhelmed and feel like it will never be enough. Like I will continually be disappointed by broken promises. Like I will never see the fruits of my labors. Like I will try, fail, and make the same mistakes over and over again. Like I will be walking down the same damn road until the day I die, with not a thing to show for it.
Or maybe I’m just jaded. I was at the beach today with my family, and my little sister and I kept trying to fly her kite. She grabbed the string, and I grabbed the kite, and we both ran. I’d let go after a few steps. The kite would soar into the sky each time, and after but a moment, it would come violently crashing down into the sand with a thud. After about 15 of these failed missions, we gave up.
After a little while, my sister decided to try again. She asked me to help her, and I said, “Nah, it’s just going to crash down into the sand again. I’m tired of being disappointed.” She said alright, went out to try again, and with no effort, the kite flew. And it flew until my sister was tired of running with it.
So….yeah. I’m sure you get what I’m saying.
